Homily For Wednesday Healing Mass 16-08-2017

Posted on:August 17th, 2017

HOMILY FOR WEDNESDAY HEALING MASS 16-08-2017

It is as if this month is primarily dedicated to the youth which is good because they are important to us and if they must be better parents, teachers, scientists, engineers, priests and sisters they must be taught what their roles are both to the church, the family and the society at large. A nation is saved by its youths. I pray today’s message bring abundant blessings to our youths and young adults in the chaplaincy in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Today we are set to discuss the responsibilities of the youths in the family. We are taking our reading from the letter of St. Paul to the Ephesians 6:1-4. “children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents, for this is the right thing to do. “Respect your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise added: so that all may go well with you, and you may live a long time in the land. Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, bring them up with Christian discipline and instruction.

For children to really understand their roles and act responsibly, parenting must be intentional. No one parents effectively by accident. You don’t boil beans and expect to eat rice when the bean is done. Effective parenting must be intentional; it must be planned, focused, and have an expected end in mind. Good parents don’t leave the job to chance; they do everything they can to prepare themselves and to know what they are doing.

Even for conscientious parents, there are a couple of major challenges to deal with in raising children well.

The first challenge: The first of these is the simple truth that parents can only parent the way they themselves were parented. In other words, no matter how conscientious you are in your desire to parent your children well, if your own parents did a poor job-if they failed to model the love and character and behaviour of God before you-you likely will have a difficult time overcoming the effects of their example. Try as hard as you will, there will be times when things get tough as a parent and you will find it very easy to slide into the pattern established by your own parents, because that is what is most familiar-and most comfortable. The only way of breaking those negative patterns is by learning with dedication Biblical parenting.[1]

The second challenge we all must deal with as parents is the reality of sinful human nature both in ourselves and in our children. Genesis 5 says that Adam produced children and descendants in his own likeness and image. He did a good job; like Adam, we all are “perfect sinners.” Adam was so “effective” in his parenting that when he fell, his descendants fell. We inherited his sinful nature. The Bible says that because of Adam’s disobedience, disobedience entered into the hearts of every human being.[2]

We must understand that there is nothing like perfect parents, and perfect children, all we can simply so do is to learn the biblical principles, commit our way as parents unto the Lord, and trust Him to work powerfully in our children’s lives beyond what we can do on our own.

Sin essentially is a rebellion, and it is deeply rooted in all our hearts. Parents know that rebellion is in the hearts of their children from birth. You don’t have to teach your child to lie; lying is “built in.” You don’t have to teach your child to be jealous of your affection toward another child or to be greedy for another child’s toy; your child comes by these traits “naturally.” This is why the Bible says in Prov. 22:15, “foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him.” Where did this foolishness come from? By direct lineal descent from Adam, the first human father. And the “rod of correction” refers to disciplined, deliberate, conscientious, purposeful, and intentional parenting.

Dear friends whether negative or positive, parenting is a powerful and inescapable influence. Everybody is parented by somebody. We each reflect in our lives and our attitudes the nature, character, and behaviour of those who have influenced us the most. We tend to become like the person who parents us and he or she may or may not be our biological parent. This is true also for our children. You can be a father or a mother and still not be a parent, because a “parent” is the one who has the most formative influence in a child’s life. So you need to ask yourself “what influence do I want to impart into my unborn children/family when I finally get married?”

The basic goal of parenting

The mandate to man to be fruitful, to multiply and to fill the earth, three basic goals of parenting emerge:

1. To reproduce the nature of the parent in the child: in creation, God is father and mankind is his offspring. By creating us in His image, God intended for us to have and to reflect His nature. In the same way, the first goal parents should have is to see their nature reproduced in the lives of their children.[3]
2. To reproduce the character of the parent in the child: the full meaning of the word “image” refers to the true nature and character of a thing. So when God said, “Let us make man in our image, and in our likeness,” he meant, “Let us create man in such a way as to reflect our nature and character.” In other words, we were created to be like God: to think like God and to display His distinguishing characteristics-“like Father, like Son.”

In the same manner, human parents want their children to be like them; to share the same values, carry the same demeanor, and display the same characteristics. We have succeeded as parents if people who know us can walk up to our children and say, “You remind me of your daddy,” or “You’re just like your mama.”[4]

1. To reproduce the behaviour of the parent in the child: the goal of parenting should be that of reproducing their behaviour in their children. When God created mankind, His goal was to bring about children who were like himself in every way: children who looked like Him, thought like him, displayed His characteristics and qualities and act like Him-no wonder Christ said in Matt. 5:48 “be perfect as your heavenly father is perfect.”

The task of parents therefore should be to pursue the same goal with their children. Children should view God from their parents and respond to life with the eyes of God.

Dear parents, if our children must own their responsibilities and wake up to these responsibilities such as obedience, respect, tolerance, hard work, discipline, take care of their children etc, certain things are expected of parents.

1. If truly we must raise up Godly families, we must root out selfishness: selfishness which is the seed of unhappiness must be carefully rooted out if happiness is to be found in the family and if children must perform their roles responsibly.

Selfishness is an attempt to use the self as a standard in the measurement of everything else. A belief that happiness is only obtained by the gratification of self desire at the expense of others and this is the cause of the imbalance we have in the world. Such belief is firmly rooted in the soil of ignorance, and continually watered by selfish cravings, that are the cause of all the misery in the world. The word desire is not limited to the grosser animal cravings, it extends to the higher psychic realm, where far more powerful, subtle, and insidious cravings hold in bondage the intellectual and refined of our times, depriving them of all that beauty, harmony, and purity of soul whose expression is happiness.[5]

Most people today will admit that selfishness is the cause of all the unhappiness in the world but they fall under the soul-destroying delusion that it is somebody else’s selfishness, and not their own. When each of us seated here this day is willing to admit that all my unhappiness is the result of my own selfishness you will not be far from the gates of paradise; but so long as you are convinced that it is the selfishness of others that is robbing you of joy, so long will you remain a prisoner in your self-created purgatory.

Happiness cannot be gotten at the expense of the other because he or she is considered as an it or object. Rather happiness is that inward state of perfect satisfaction which is joy and peace, and from which all desire is eliminated. The satisfaction which results from gratified desire is brief and illusionary, and is always followed by an increased demand for gratification. Dear friends, man’s desire is as insatiable as the ocean, and clamours louder and louder as its demands are attended to. it claims ever increasing service from its deluded devotees, until at last they are struck down with physical or mental anguish, and are hurled into the purifying fires of suffering. Desire is the region of hell, and all torments are centered there. The giving up of desire is the realization of heaven, and all delights await the pilgrim there.

Heaven and hell are inward states. Sink into self and all its gratifications, and you sink into hell; rise above self into that state of consciousness which is the utter denial and forgetfulness of self, and you enter heaven. Self is blind, without judgment, and true knowledge, and always leads to suffering. Correct perception, unbiased judgment, and true knowledge belong only to the divine state, and only in so far as you realize this divine consciousness can you know what real happiness is. So long as you persist in selfishly seeking for your own personal happiness, so long will happiness elude you, and you will be sowing the seeds of wretchedness. In so far as you succeed in losing yourself in the service of others, in that measure will happiness come to you, and you will reap a harvest of bliss.

Cling to self, and you cling to sorrow; relinquish self, and you enter into peace. To seek selfishly is not only to lose happiness, but even that which we believe to be the source of happiness. Real happiness when we cling to that which is permanent. Fathers and mothers rise therefore above the clinging to and the craving for impermanent things, and you will then enter into a consciousness of the eternal, and as, rising above self, and by growing more and more into the spirit of purity, self-sacrifice, and universal love, you become centered in that consciousness, you will realize that happiness which has no reaction, and which can never be taken from you.

If you have not realized this unbounded happiness you may begin to actualize it by ever holding before you the lofty ideal of unselfish love, and aspiring toward it. Aspiration or prayer is desire turned upward. It is the soul turning toward its divine source, where alone permanent satisfaction can be found. By aspiration the destructive forces of desire are transmuted into divine and all-preserving energy. To aspire is to make an effort to shake off the trammels of desire; it is the prodigal made wise by loneliness and suffering, returning to his father’s mansion.

As you rise above the sordid self; as you break, one after another, the chains that bind you, will you realize the joy of giving, as distinguished from the misery of grasping-giving of your substance; giving of your intellect; giving of the love and light that is growing within you. You will then understand that it is indeed “more blessed to give than to receive.” But the giving must be of the heart without any taint of self, without desire for reward. The gift of pure love is always attended with bliss. If after you have given, you are wounded because you are not thanked or flattered, or your name put in the paper, know then that your gift was prompted by vanity and not by love, and you were merely giving in order to get; were not really giving, but grasping.

Lose yourself in the welfare of others; forget yourself in all that you do; this is the secret of abounding happiness. Ever be on the watch to guard against selfishness, and learn faithfully the divine lessons of inward sacrifice; so shall you climb the highest heights of happiness, and shall remain in never-clouded sunshine of universal joy, clothed in the shinning garment of immortality. It is only on this grounds can we be imparting something meaningful to our children.

1. We have to teach our children the value of communication: so much of the problem we have in the family is as a result of lack of proper communication. This is one area we must teach our children that they ought to learn how to communicate with each other in the home and then as they grow in their respective families. This is because in all troubled relationships, especially in marriage and family, the issues involved can be numerous: children, finances, sex, in-laws, pets. Misunderstandings can be overwhelming, misinterpretations frustrating. But no matter what may be the difficulties and the differences, the bottom-line problem is usually the breakdown in or lack of effective communication. These days, we are not connecting with one another; we are out of sync with one another because we are more interested in the sophisticated method of communicating with anyone anywhere in the world; we can know almost instantly of the tragedies and triumphs that are taking place anywhere, but we still have problems getting in touch with and connecting with one another in our own lives and the resultant effect of this, is that we can’t know one another as we should rather what we are filled with on a daily basis are suspicions and mistrust.[6]

We were created to communicate. We are equipped with a voice, tongue, lips, ears, facial expressions, and bodily movements to express what we think and feel. We were made for revelation and that is what life is all about. We are created in the image and likeness of God. The bible is considered as the book of revelation, in which God is revealed in the power and beauty of creation and in the hearts of all who listen to him. Indeed, God calls us into relationship with him by asking us to reveal ourselves to him and this we do in prayer. Christian spirituality is about love of God and love of neighbor and this biblical injunction can be accomplished if people are willing to talk to one another. Without communication, you can’t have a relationship, you can’t have love. “speak the truth to one another in love, so that you may grow up in Christ” (Eph. 4:15).

The basic goal of communication is revelation, not resolution. Many people abandon the attempt to communicate, saying, “what’s the use of talking? We aren’t resolving anything.” If resolution is the primary goal of communication, we get nowhere. If revelation is the goal, then we have the hope and possibility of resolution. Most often, within the revelation one makes to another is found the resolution of our problems, because through revelation we reach an understanding of one another.[7]

A working definition of personal communication is revealing of who I am to another person. I reveal what I perceive, think, feel, and need. Such communication can be very difficult as well as threatening, because it means opening up myself to another person. We are not talking here about the ordinary communication between casual friends and neighbours or co-workers, but about closer and more intimate relationships, especially those in marriage and family. Such communication requires a much deeper openness and honesty, a communication that must be direct and clear. It is with such communication that we develop trust and build trusting relationships.[8]

In the society we live today, most people have been hurt because they have been burnt and hurt by someone who glibly said “I love you” as such they ask “what is love?” they have lost in love because they have never developed trusting relationships which must be built on open and honest communication. A trusting relationship means been able to share deeply not only what I think and perceive but what I feel and need. Most of the communication we have today are usually incomplete because we are afraid that we might get hurt or hurt someone else’s feelings what this brings about is that over time it creates a distance between people and erode our trust for each other especially in the relationship between children and parents. They end up not knowing another and they live in an atmosphere of unresolved hurt, anger, and frustration, which gradually erodes the relationship. The possibility of becoming close eludes them. People often refer to this as falling out of love, but it really is much more a matter of losing connection with one another.

Openness in relationship builds effective communication where we will not only get to know each other better, but we can live together better and deal with our frustrations. What kills relationships is our tendency to avoid communication about the important issues and feelings of our daily lives. The system breaks down, and we become distant from one another.

A marriage or any deep relationship, has three stages: being together, differentiation, and being together but different.

1. Being together: this occurs when we see all that we have in common.
2. Differentiation: occurs when we begin to perceive our differences, when we begin to see each other as we are; we are both good persons, but are different, unique, having different backgrounds, opinions, perceptions, and ways of doing things. This is normal in any relationship. This is when we are faced with the possibility of growing together or growing apart, of divorcing or finding intimacy. It is only through painful communication that we can come to understand each other, learn to compromise, cooperate, collaborate, tolerate, and learn to live together. Otherwise this is often the period when divorce occurs, or families become loosely connected, with the members manifesting a “proper” but superficial niceness to one another. This is when relationships die.
3. Being together but different: occurs when we can admit our differences and work through them and accept them, we develop a deeper relationship, a way of being together but different. We preserve unity and individuality; we are equal but different. Any genuine relationship involves struggle, some tension, and adjustment. When we maintain our individuality we will preserve the relationship. “The two shall become one” (Genesis 2:24).[9]

In Matthew Jesus stated clearly: “where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in their midst” by this Jesus meant people not only praying together but about people having the courage to face each other to talk openly and honestly, and to recognize the many aspects of their personalities and the differences that make each one unique. It is not a time when people are caught up in power struggles, or the desire to control or manipulate, or have another submit. It’s a time when people truly reveal themselves to one another. As God reveals himself to us, so God calls us to reveal ourselves to one another. When we do that, we find God in our midst.

Where can we learn to communicate?

If we are to be good communicators it must first begin at our homes. I can remember vividly my mum taught me to communicate with her and my brothers and sisters was to look her in the eyes when I am talking and vice versa when she does the talking. One thing that lesson taught me was it created that bound between my mum and I and the rest of my siblings. Now we determine whether a family is dysfunctional or functional by the quality of its communication skills. The two basic communication principles are: (1.) we need to talk about our life, our issues, our problems; we need to break through any denial of the past, any avoidance of problems, any fears that control us, any blaming, and deal with the real issues in question. (2.) we need to discuss how we feel about these critical issues-like painful feelings from the past, and how we feel about one another. If we share the pain, the hurts, the anger, the disappointments, the failures, and the frustrations of our lives, we can together deal with the painful realities that are before us. We can find healing. Then we will also be able to share our joys and successes.

Mental health professionals stress the need for parents to keep in continual, open, and honest communication with their children in all areas of their lives. Such communication can help prevent children from abusing drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and sex. Parents should keep the lines of communication open to their children in good times and, especially, in bad times. Communication maintains the connection.[10]

FACTORS THAT KILL HEALTHY COMMUNICATION:

There are factors that kill communication in the family as well as in marriages thereby promoting misunderstanding, hurt and anger precisely because they come secondhand-this is called “triangulation in communication” e.g. when peter tells his mother he is angry with his father instead of going direct to the father. What happens here is that if the mother goes to talk to the father on behalf of peter, it weakens the son-father relationship. If peter is anxious and uncomfortable about approaching his father, the mother may coach peter on how to speak with his father. Peter may even agree to have his mother accompany him to his father a support, but peter will have to do the talking. Peter has something to discuss with you dear, says the mother. Then she backs off. If this is not resolved in childhood days, it could be carried into adulthood and would even be carried into marriage.

we must never take part in triangulation because it also contributes to the problem in the family and marriage rather we must encourage the party that has come to report to seek talking this over with the other party.

• Another thing that kills communication is presumption and assumption. For e.g. people don’t know we care about them unless we say we do (presumption). Children don’t feel they are loved or appreciated unless they are told. Wives can be silently seething because their husbands don’t know their needs. “he should know!” sorry! He won’t-or can’t-unless he is told. He is not a mind reader. The husband himself may not even be aware of his own needs, so how will he possibly recognize his wife’s needs? Each spouse must take the responsibility to identify, accept, and express their own needs-physical, emotional, sexual-to each other.
• The words we choose, our tone of voice, can both hinder or enhance the message we seek to drive home in communication. Even the time and place of communicating can be significant factors. Also, if we fail to attach the appropriate feelings to a statement, such as: “I am really hurt by what you said”, we probably won’t be credible. People will miss the point we want to make because there is no emotional tone of our words. They are flat. On the other hand, if we over react emotionally with, say, rage and hostile comments, we will cause others unnecessary pain and they will become defensive. They will not really hear the message we are attempting to convey. In turn, they may either overreact or flee.
• Undue silence can also kill communication in relationships because it is open to so many misinterpretations. Nine times out of ten, silence will interpreted in a negative manner by the other person, even though I don’t mean to be negative. This silence an signal emotional neglect by which the silent person fails to respond to the emotional needs of the other. Sometimes keeping silent can be a cruel way of getting back at another person. Some people in close relationships use silence very effectively-but also quite destructively. There is nothing more aggravating or frustrating than a person who is unresponsive to a very important message conveyed by another. It’s a classic way of being passive-aggressive.
• The use of “you” statements in communication also hinders proper communication: when we use the “you” statements in communication, those who are the receiving end of the “you” statements can feel under attack and become defensive, they can tend to block out what they are hearing and become taken up with defending themselves or with preparing a rebuttal.

“I” statements, on the other hand, tend to sensitize the other person to what I am thinking and feeling. “I” signifies a sense of identity, of being in control of oneself, of self-worth, of self-confidence and self-esteem, of taking responsibility for what one is expressing and feeling. For example, “I resent your reading the newspaper when I am trying to speak to you and I need you to listen to me.” These “I” statements help others to focus on us instead of getting ready to defend themselves. “I” statements are non-threatening.

Whether the other person agrees with me or not is not the issue. The issue here is that the person comes to know what we think and feel. Such a way of speaking is not a solution, but it certainly can be very effective over a period of time. Maybe immediate effects will not be seen, but in due time we may be able to convince another of what we are feeling. The most important here is the ability to get out things in the open-say them anyway which is the primary thing in communication. By this, we are learning to better our way of communication with self-respect and shun the old sarcastic way of communication to a more respectful way.

Above else, if we want to be good communicators, we must learn to be in touch with ourselves identifying those unresolved issues in our lives that have remained there since childhood and replacing them with good things about ourselves. Inner conversation is a vital aspect of our ability to communicate with others. If we think and feel badly about ourselves, we need to be able to convey this to another in order to bring about healing. This is what takes place in counseling or in sharing with a trusted friend. In other words, we need to have the courage and trust to share our inner world with another.

When we have a mixed-up inner communication system, we can’t communicate with others effectively because we are either being too defensive (we blame them or misinterpret what they are saying), or we are too submissive or compliant with the other. The latter happens because we desperately want to be accepted and liked, and we fear rejection. So we become too confused to communicate effectively.

Being in touch with our inner selves is essential to communicating with others. That’s one of the reasons many men are poor communicators in their personal relationships. They are often not in touch with their inner world. The non-communicating husband is the cause of much depression, frustration, and emptiness many married women experience. This also explains the way some women get over-involved with their children, with women friends, or with causes. It is a way to deal with the frustration of having an uncommunicative husband. This can only change if on the part of the woman she states clearly and strongly the need for communication and bear out her frustration with her silent husbands. When we communicate well, intimacy is built and a perfect relationship is established.[11]

1. Children must be taught Listening skills:

if communication is the skill by which we reveal ourselves to one another, then listening is an art by which we open ourselves to the revelations of others. Listening requires attentiveness and patience. Listening can be very healing, especially when one really hears the pain and needs of another. Listening demands intense emotional focus and eye contact with another person. It requires that we understand what others are saying, but above all, what they are feeling. Listening can make or break relationships.

One of the first requirements for being a genuine and effective listener is the ability to be in touch with our own inner world. What are our thoughts, our attitudes-above all, our feelings? We need a connectedness with and an awareness of our inner selves. In other words, are we truly able to listen to ourselves? If I don’t listen to myself, how can I possibly listen to you? If I am not in touch with my inner world, how can I be in touch with your inner world? Thus, listening to myself is an absolute necessity. Without it I will not be able to probe the depths of another person. Yes, I can hear, but hearing alone is not listening. If I can’t handle my own angry feeling, how can I possibly be comfortable with someone else’s? I can’t be in touch with what that person is truly saying and above all, feeling.[12]

Being aware of what we are feeling means being able to identify specific feelings within ourselves. We often claim that we are upset, but what does that mean? Can we identify precisely such feelings as hurt, anger, sadness, or disappointment? That is why, in the case of so many marital problems, it is necessary to help each spouse to name, claim, and frame what they are feeling. Only then they can reveal to the other what they are feeling.

When we listen to others, we need to help them sort out and identify their feelings by asking them what they are feeling, and then by reflecting back to them what we think we hear them saying. For example, if I say to another to whom I am listening, “your boss really did hut you badly by her sarcastic remarks,” then that person will realize I have truly been listening. The person in pain feels connected, feels you are caring, and realizes you are truly walking in their shoes. We call this empathy. It is not just counselors who need to practice empathy; all of us do if we are to be in tune with others.

Listening means focusing all our attention and energy on the other. Our body language can show that we are there, present, for the other. Our eyes are focused on that person. Such listening is responsive and reflective. We are not just sitting there like mannequins. We reflect back the other’s feelings and thoughts. We echo their joy. We are shocked when they are shocked, angry when they are angry, sad with their sadness. We don’t give them intellectual answers or advice right away, or tell them of similar experiences we’ve had. They are not really interested in those responses at that point. They need us to be there for and with them. This type of listening without interrupting requires much discipline, so that we stay focused on the other person. When we listen to people, like Jesus power goes forth from us to heal the other person and bring them back to reality and they will be able to reveal deeper stories they feel within themselves.

One thing is sure that when we have listened well enough to the other without been distracted or make them feel we are not listening them or use remarks that are a little harsh, they end up saying to us “thank you for listening, thanks for your help.” We may think we did nothing more than listen. But what a gift that is! It is this type of genuine, penetrating listening that touches the center of the storm in people’s hearts and calms them down.

Benefits of listening

• Healing will never really take place in our society, or in our churches, until we start to listen to one another only then will we be able to have healthy and better relationships and marriages. Listening heals realtioships because it helps dispel many of our misunderstandings and misinterpretations that have accrued between us and that are the cause of so much dysfunction in marriages and families.
• Listening helps us gain insight into another person, to know that person, to understand him and to help him understand and know himself. Listening is part of loving. Only when we have truly listened to a person can we genuinely begin to love and accept the individual as he/she is.
• Listening is a part of living. It means being in touch with the realities around us. Being in touch with reality is what makes for good mental health, as painful as that reality may sometimes be. To be fully alive and vibrant is to listen intently to the world around us to learn about life and appreciate it.
• Listening often involves laughing. This means we are in touch with the ridiculousness and the ups and downs of life. Because we laugh with people, and not at them, after we have truly listened to them, we know people are healing and getting better because they have begun to laugh at themselves, and we with them. Humour helps us to put life in perspective, eliminates the distortions that we perceive, lightens the burden of living, and reduces stress. Humour is probably the least used therapeutic skill in counseling as well as in living!
• Listening means letting go of ourselves. When we listen to others, we get out of ourselves, our self-centered world. We reach out and touch other people. We get in touch with their pain and sorrow. We begin to understand what another aspect of life is about. As the Christian traidition says, “when we lose ourselves, we find ourselves.”
• When listen to others we become able to put our issues in perspective and become able to cope with them. For example- when others hurt us and seek forgiveness, we have to listen to their story, as to why whatever happened-happened, and thus gain understanding. Then we can let go of our hurt, anger, and pain. We can forgive because we understand.
• Finally the more we listen, the more we become human ad spiritual because we are able to rise above ourselves and get in touch with others and with God.
• Prayer is about listening: listening to what is in my heart; listening to what to others are saying and placing all of this in the hands of a listening God. Prayer is the belief that there exists a caring, loving, ever-present listening God. In this we are strengthened, consoled, and find peace. Prayer can be healing because in prayer we can let go and get in touch with God, who cares for and loves us no matter what he hears and knows about us.

1. Children must be taught conflict resolution and management: children must be taught to understand that conflicts are part of life and necessary if a healthy, functioning relationship is to be maintained. Jesus when he came into the world, he fell into conflict with that world. Jesus said, “I did not come to bring peace, but dissension” (Luke 12:51). The bible is full of conflict! The psalms reflect the conflict going on within us, among people and between us and God. Anytime people attempt to become close to one another, there will be both warmth and friction. In a close relationship, warmth and friction go together. If a relationship becomes stuck, there is neither warmth nor friction. The relationship breaks down. The one important element necessary for keeping a mechanism operating is the lubricant. It prevents burnout or the gears from becoming locked. The necessary lubricant in any close relationship, especially in marriage and families, is appropriate conflict.

One thing we must know is that anger is a normal, healthy emotion and needs to be expressed in an appropriate way. We need to distinguish between appropriate anger and inappropriate anger, which can be destructive. We need to realize there is a difference between conflict and violence. Violence is conflict out of control.[13]

When spouses suppress their anger, hurts, or disappointments with one another, and let them build up, it will create a serious dent on the relationship. This repressive type of relationship is like a cancer eating away at and eroding the bond of trust between the two people. The partners drift apart emotionally, at first unknowingly. Gradually, they realize they are emotionally distant from each other and become sexually uninterested. They panic. They begin to think no longer love one another and that their marriage is over.

This is not necessarily true. This numb state, in which there are no feelings, is a sign that the relationship is in trouble. The parties are stuck. Underneath the numbness are hidden layers of hurt, anger, even hate and rage. The partners need to start surfacing all the accumulated, unresolved debris within themselves. They need to begin a serious, difficult dialogue. One of the painful aspects of such communication is that disturbing misinterpretations, unresolved differences, long-time resentments, and deep wounds will be exposed.

Extramarital affairs are destructive and unfair ways of resolving obvious and/or usually unrecognized discontent in the marriage. Partners are often attempting to have their unmet emotional and sexual needs met in the affair. Such liaisons almost never become permanent and viable relationships. Sometimes they are stepping stones out of marriage. Affairs are symptomatic of problematic marriage. They always indicate repressed or suppressed anger at the other spouse, as well as other underlying, unresolved conflicts in the marriage. Silenced conflicts are deadly. Healthy conflicts can be the saving grace by which God’s healing power can work.

Repressed and Unresolved conflicts in marriages as well as relationships can manifest itself in all types of physical problems and emotional difficulties, such as anxiety, depression, cold silence, sexual distancing, and passive-aggressive behaviour, to mention only a few. The relationship goes flat, it’s without passion and intimacy, while spiritually it lacks meaning and inspiration.

Many people decide prematurely that their marital relationship is over. They separate or to seek out other side attractions-like having an affair, or becoming immersed in outside activities or interests. Or they may maintain a tolerant relationship without dealing with underlying tensions. Many people want to divorce prematurely before giving themselves a chance to address underlying issues in their relationship. In so doing, they never allow themselves the opportunity to genuinely encounter each other.

Sometimes the unresolved, buried hurts and anger that exist in a relationship eventually emerge in disastrous explosions or other forms of emotional overreaction. This type of conflict is destructive. People say vicious things to one another that they don’t necessarily mean, and much unnecessary hurt is the result. The parties are out of control. After an explosion, they are regretful and ashamed of their behaviour, but they once again bury their hurt and anger until the next build-up takes place and the next explosion occurs. This cyclical pattern of destructive conflict can be changed only when the partners are involved in learning how to deal with their hurts, angers, and disappointments openly and promptly on a regular basis. However, if the partners fear conflict, they tend to avoid these necessary disagreements, thus setting themselves up for unhealthy periodic explosions.[14]

When we allow people to treat us miserably or abusively without being assertive because we fear conflict, we eventually lose respect for ourselves. Those who mistreat us have no respect for us because we take such abuse and they will continue to treat us harshly.

Ways of handling conficts

1. One way to overcome conflicts that gives room for harsh words, violence, blaming, emotional and physical abuse, someone having to be right or wrong; power struggle is by joining an anger management training group/program, seek to better oneself by a constant self mastery.
2. Seek to promote openness and honesty in relationships where people are open and honest with one another, where each party will be able to accept each other with openness to disagreements, differences, and painful revelations that would be a source of growth. In seeking honest relationships conflict is a real possibility.
3. We must know that conflict is a challenge and that it happens inevitably when people live together, and in all close relationships. Conflict surfaces new information and indicates that something needs to be addressed or resolved.
4. In conflict we gather abundance of information that we have not known about the other person; unanswered needs and unrecognized feelings, misperceptions and disagreements can be clarified and brought into the open. We begin to realize that change, adjustments, and compromises need to be made. We become more sensitive to one another. At times, we will be shocked and overwhelmed by the revelations that conflict surfaces. But differences in people are not bad-they are normal. Conflict will bring them to light.
5. Conflict helps us maintain our identity so we don’t become swallowed up or controlled by another person. We also recognize ad establish boundaries with each other. Control and submission are destructive of a healthy relationship. It is in the area of differences that a marriage either grows, stagnates, or dies.
6. Healthy conflicts teaches us to negotiate with one another. This is based on the theory that roles, whether in an intimate relationship or a working relationship, emerge from a process. People need to talk-out the issues and listen to one another as they share their thoughts and feelings, their opinions and viewpoints, without becoming defensive with each other. This will also help dispel tensions, confusion and misinterpretations.
7. Conflict also helps us overcome rigidity and become more flexible with one another. That’s why when one spouse always gives in to the other for the sake of peace, that spouse is not only relinquishing his or her own identity and self-respect, but enabling the other person to become more rigid and more controlling. This is a deleterious pattern found in some marriages. When we have a gut feeling that something is not right in a relationship-anxieties are building, resentments  mounting, or we are beginning to become irritated over insignificant issues-we need to ask what is bothering us and then begin to communicate with the other about it.

1. Children ought to be taught what marriage is all about and to have a presumed idea of marriage:

Dear friends, if we want to ever overcome this crisis and save the marriage before it starts, we must revisit our understanding of what marriage and family life entails. Marriage is both a gift of God and a gift to the individual persons involved. It is a gift that calls each to be open to and respond to love unreservedly. Marriage is a call to “fidelity” and “commitment.” It demands “unity”, “indissolubility” and “faithfulness” in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to “fertility” (CCC. 1643). It is by its nature ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory. (CCC 1652). The fruitfulness of conjugal love extends to the fruits of the moral, spiritual and supernatural life that parents hand on to their children by education. Parents are the principal and first educators of their children. In this sense the fundamental task of marriage and family is to be at the service of life. (CCC 1653).  

Dear friends, marriage is not a child’s play it is a serious business and care must be taken in its pursuit. We can’t rush into marriage and expect things to begin to work out as we consider. It demands a conscious and deliberate decision followed both by spiritual and physical as well as psychological preparations. It does not end in the matrimonial celebration rather Marriage is a life-long journey and entails been at the school of love- experiencing the unique beauty of your spouse/partner. If we gamble into marriage, we gamble out. It requires nurturing and preparation. It also requires a proper care in the choice of a partner (cf. Genesis 24.) because the spouse or bride that comes into a home must be able to carry on the God centered values and legacies already existing in the family he/she is about to come into and must endeavour to continue it.

In his response to the many challenging questions that couples brought forward to him in his meeting with them, Pope Francis stated the fact that many couples are afraid of making a definitive choice in life, contributing to a mentality that brings couples to “stay together until this love lasts.” He said, “love is more than just a feeling or a psychological state, but a relationship that grows like the construction of a house. Just as the love of God is stable and forever, so we would want the love that is the foundation of the family to be stable and forever. We cannot let ourselves be overcome by the ‘throwaway culture of our times.’” He continued that the “fear of forever” is cured day by day through a life of prayer. Recalling the Lord’s Prayer, the Pope prayed that God may ask Christ to multiply their love.

The Holy Father also highlighted the fact that to live together is an art that can be summarized in three words: (1.) Excuse me, (2.) Thank you, and (3.) I’m sorry.

“Excuse me” is the gentle request to enter into someone’s life with “respect” and “attention”, he said, adding that to ask permission means to know how to enter into other’s lives with courtesy.

“Courtesy,” he stressed, “conserves love. And in our families, in our world, where there is much violence and arrogance, there is a greater need for courtesy towards the other person.”

The pontiff also stressed that “thank you” is not just a polite manner of speaking but a sign of gratitude. “I am sorry,” he said allows us to learn from and recognize our mistakes and faults.

Dear friends we all know that there idea of a perfect family doesn’t exist, nor does the perfect husband, or the perfect wife, he said. We won’t even talk about the perfect mother-in-law, what we are called to do is to focus on the essentials of marriage and family life which is “love, practice of forgiveness and never to allow each day to end without returning peace to the house, to our family.”

As with everything else in life, effective marriage and family life begins with and ends in God. From the dawn of creation, God’s design has been for us to raise up offspring to populate the earth. Producing and parenting children are a big part of the original mandate humanity received from our creator:

“Then God said, let us make man in our image, in our likeness;…” so God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creatures that moves on the ground” (Genesis 1:26-28).

God’s first recorded statement to man established the principle of parenting: “be fruitful and increase in number.” Man was commanded to reproduce after his own kind and God created “man,” both male and female, to make human beings increase through sexual union within the context of marriage. In other words, God created Adam and Eve and then told them to have children. And just as God created Adam and eve in his own image, their children would in turn bear the image of their parents. Genesis 5 verifies that Adam and Eve fulfilled this mandate faithfully.[15]

God created man (male and female) in his own image and likeness. The general term “man” includes both male and female; men and women together make up the race that is known as “man” or “mankind.” And together they in turn produced children that take up their genes and chromosomes. The word image and likeness not only refer to external qualities but also relate to internal qualities.

From the above, I have been able to make a point clear that responsible children begin with responsible parents. I pray the Lord will bless and inspire parents to do and act in such a way and manner that their children will be a blessing to later generation in the name of Jesus. Amen.