Forgive And Forget - 2021 Lenten Retreat

LENTEN RETREAT

A TALK DELIVERED AT ST. AUGUSTINE'S CHAPLAINCY 2, MORONFOLU STREET, AKOKA, YABA, LAGOS ON THE 14TH OF MARCH, 2021

BY: Rev. Fr. AKARAONYE Samuel Ifeanyi

Topic: FORGIVE AND FORGET

“Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.”  Matthew 18:21-22

This question, posed by Peter to Jesus, was asked in such a way that Peter thought he was being quite generous in his forgiveness.  But to his surprise, Jesus adds to Peter’s generosity in forgiveness in an exponential way.  

For many of us, this sounds good in theory.  It is inspiring and encouraging to ponder the depths of forgiveness that we are called to offer another.  But when it comes to daily practice, this may be much harder to embrace.

A man who was suffering for an unknown ailment and has gone to different hospitals for treatment but all to no avail went to Padre Pio for prayers. Padre Pio prayed for him and told him to go, but instead of getting better, it became worse. He came to the saint the second time, St Padre Pio who was known for healing also prayed for him again. But instead of the sickness to heal, the result was negative. He went to the saint the third time. Padre Pio, being a gifted priest, saw that his problem is more psychological than spiritual. The saint told him to list the names of those who have wronged him. The man listed as many as. The saint asked him if he could forgive them, he refused. Padre Pio then convinced him to try it as an experiment, to see if He could get healed. The man accepted.

After this experience, the man regained peace of mind and later was healed perfectly. When he went back to thank the holy priest, Padre Pio told Him “son you were not sick but you made yourself sick because you have refused to let go”. Whenever we forgive, we do ourselves good than the person we think we have forgiven. When we choose to live in grudges than peace of mind, we create more problems for ourselves than good. Everyone who chooses to live in grudges is like a prisoner. If we want to set ourselves free, we must forgive.

• we ought to write the deeds against us on sand so that the wind of forgiveness could blow them away but the good things we should write on a stone so that they stay with us forever. Ephesians 4:31-32; "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." 6. Proverbs 4:25; "Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.

The moral of this story is very clear; we should forgive and let go the wrongs done to us. However, in our day and age, people do the opposite. They prefer to write the good things on the sand and engrave the slightest offense on hard stones.

The book of (Sirach 27:30-28:7) tells us among other things to forgive others so that when we pray our sins will be forgiven. Here we could see the law of retribution and the law of the seed sowing showing clearly. We get whatever we sow; we receive what we give; that means we cannot get what we do not give. He who exacts vengeance will experience the vengeance of the Lord, who keeps strict account of sin. Forgive your neighbour the hurt he does you, and when you pray, your sins will be forgiven. If a man nurses anger against another, can he then demand compassion from the Lord?

In the Gospel Reading (Matt. 18:21-35), our Lord uses a parable to provide more insight to Peter’s question: “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive? As many as seven times?” Peter must have tolerated a terrible brother for a while. Before relating the parable; our Lord tells Peter to forgive not just seven times but seventy-seven times.

“Seventy-seven times?” That could have been Peter’s response. Yes, seventy-seven times means that we should not count the number of times we forgive wrongs. It entails that we should write the wrong done to us on sand so that the ever-present wind of forgiveness could blow them away.

By calling us to forgive not only seven times but seventy-seven times, Jesus is telling us that there is no limit to the depth and breadth of mercy and forgiveness that we must offer another.  No limit!

This spiritual truth must become far more than a theory or ideal we strive for.  It must become a practical reality which we embrace with all our might.  We must daily seek to rid ourselves of any tendency we have, no matter how small, to hold a grudge and remain in anger.  We must seek to free ourselves from every form of bitterness and allow mercy to heal every hurt.

Back to our question “why should I for-give?”:

I should for-give because God also forgives me whenever I sin. (Col.3:13).

I should for-give because I also offend others consciously and unconsciously and even receive their forgiveness.

 I should for-give because it is part of our daily prayer to God: “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” (Matt. 6:12).

I should forgive because it determines my forgiveness from God: “forgive, and you will be forgiven (Luke 6:37).I should for-give because it is what I do for myself in the long run.

4 Steps to Forgiveness

Much of our pain in life comes from not forgiving the injuries done us. If you are in emotional or even physical pain, forgiveness could be the answer you’ve been seeking. You owe it to yourself to at least explore the possibility of forgiveness. In my work with depressed clients and other people in pain, I use a powerful four-step process. Here are the four steps:

1. Uncover your anger.

In our culture, anger is often hidden, unless it explodes in full-blown rage. We all experience anger, but we tend to tamp it down and hide it from others and from ourselves.

It takes courage to get honest about anger. It’s scary. If you express anger, will it be uncontrollable? Will other people tolerate it? Will you be a bad person?

I recommend you buy a notebook and designate it your “Anger Journal.” Write down what you know you are angry about, with whom you are angry, and how that anger has impacted you.

Give yourself permission to remember anger from your childhood, school life, jobs, family, friendships, and romantic relationships. If you are like most of us, you will have a fairly long list.

Take your time. This work is likely to churn up a lot of old emotions. The anger is still there, deep inside you, and you are bringing it to the surface. That’s good, because those hidden emotions often drive us to live unconsciously, repeating painful experiences over and over.

2. Decide to forgive.

If someone hurt you deeply, you probably aren’t ready to just let it go. In fact, you may be holding on to your anger pretty tightly. That’s human nature.

It can help to remember that holding on to anger doesn’t hurt the other person. It hurts you. It produces all kinds of stress chemicals that flood your body and make you sick, physically and emotionally. Forgiveness is for you.

You may feel strongly the other person deserves to suffer. But you are not in control of that. If you could cause the other person to suffer, you’d either be in legal trouble, or you’d just perpetuate the cycle of suffering, remaining a victim of that cycle.

I suggest you begin simply. On a heart level, you don’t feel able to forgive. But on a head level, make a decision that you are willing to forgive. Open the door to the possibility.

3. Work on forgiveness.

I use an approach called reframing. Reframing allows you to look at the original offense in a new way.

Perhaps your father yelled at you and otherwise ignored you. You feel he never loved you. You feel you can’t forgive him, and he doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.

But there may be circumstances you have never considered. Maybe your dad was raised by a father who yelled at him and ignored him. Maybe that was the only parenting model he had. Perhaps he really wanted to do better, but he didn’t know how.

Maybe when you were a kid, your dad had a lot of stress in his life. Maybe he was brought up to think children are the mother’s job, and making money was his job. Perhaps he didn’t understand how much he was hurting you.

Those things don’t change the circumstances of your childhood, or your experiences. But they may enable you to see your father in a slightly different light. Perhaps they can help you begin to let go of some of your anger.

It could be that the injury done you was itself an unforgivable act. Perhaps you were seriously physically abused, or sexually molested. Maybe you were the victim of a terrible crime.

I will not trivialize your injury by suggesting anything will ever make it all right, or make you able to forget it. The person who did that does not deserve “a pass.”

Adults are always responsible for their own behavior. But it might help to consider the possibility your offender was him or herself a victim at some time. Molesters were often molested. Violent criminals were often subject to violence in their own lives.

4. Release from emotional prison.

Realize you are not alone in your suffering. Others have experienced similar hurts. It may be helpful now to reach out to a support group. There are groups for every tragic circumstance in life, from being the adult child of an alcoholic to being a parent of a murdered child. Your suffering may be deep and terrible, but it is not unique. You do not have to be alone.

Consider also how you have grown and changed as a result of your life experiences. You would never have willingly chosen them, and I wish you could have been spared that pain, but they have shaped you and contributed to making you the person you are today. That person is worthy and lovable.

As we enter the new week, let us be courageous enough to carry the flag of forgiveness and spread the message wherever we go. Remember to write the wrongs on sand and the good on stone.

Reflect, today, upon that person or persons you need to forgive the most.  Forgiveness may not make perfect sense to you right away and you may find that your feelings do not fall in line with the choice you are trying to make.  Do not give up!  Continue to make the choice to forgive, regardless of how you feel or how hard it is.  In the end, mercy and forgiveness will always triumph, heal and give you the peace of Christ.

Lord, give me a heart of true mercy and forgiveness.  Help me to let go of all bitterness and pain I feel.  In place of these, give me true love and help me to offer that love to others without reserve.  I love You, dear Lord.  Help me to love all people as You love them.